Re: Food Spoilage Test
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Was: FINALLY, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!
Is: What REALLY happens to food in my kitchen (with some of the more unsavory details omitted out of a sense of decency.)

THE GAG TEST
My kitchen makes me gag.

EGGS
Eggs around here get broken into. With TOOLS.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
I have to hide milk so I can sneak it past the kitchen.

MAYONNAISE
I once put a jar of mayo in the fridge. Five minutes later I heard a loud belch.

FROZEN FOODS
Anyone know how I can get the freezer down to absolute zero? Maybe then it'll stop looking at me in that hungry way.

EXPIRATION DATES
I asked if there was any expired food in the fridge. The door opened slightly and a pseudopod handed me an empty yoghurt carton. It had yesterday's date on it, and the lid was still sealed.

MEAT
What does it mean when all the animals run away when the fridge opens?

BREAD
Gods, I wouldn't dare put bread in there. The denizens would set up culture factories.

FLOUR
I suppose when the packet jumps off the shelf and starts crawling across the floor it's a little old.

SALT
Salt disappears. I shudder to think what is being done with it.

CEREAL
I once watched some cornflakes crossing the kitchen in single file. I thought I had ants. I picked up a flake and realised that the legs were part of the flake. Suddenly I felt a tap on my foot. I looked down to see the rest of the flakes had circled me, and were closing in.

LETTUCE
The lettuce it my fridge is definitely fresh. It propositioned me.

CANNED GOODS
In one of my cupboards is something which eats tins. Leaves the contents in a bowl for the rest of them.

CARROTS
One thing I can always be sure of is fresh carrots. They must like carrots in there; they've set up a complete hydroponics system to ensure a regular supply.

RAISINS
Raisins should also not look plump and juicy.

POTATOES
I suppose the 15 foot roots emerging through the outside wall and straining towards ground mean my spuds have been around a while.

CHIP DIP
After the mayonnaise incident I don't put dips in my fridge.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
The fridge ejects the empty containers and I am expected to refill them.

UNMARKED ITEMS:
If ever I want something identified I throw it into the kitchen and wait.  I can generally tell what it was by how long it lasted and what finally got it.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Keep your thumb well clear.


Trust me, I'm a doctor.
Catweasel

Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.