On Saturday, while I was drinking a cuppa, I received word that Texas had declared war on England. Upon investigation I found this to be something of an exaggeration, since in fact Sunny, on behalf of a group of five Texas ladies, had declared war on me.

This state of affairs struck me as being a little one-sided, so I attempted to bring the Aussies into the frey. They must have other concerns, because the poor, outnumbered Texans have received no promise of support from their Antipodean sisters. Such is life.

I am concerned with a potential threat to the entire planet. Despite repeated warnings about the dangers, Texas appears hellbent on nuking a certain top floor flat in Bristol, and thereby exposing a number of unique life forms to very high levels of radiation.

Would somebody please try to explain to these poor lasses, in very simple terms, what will happen once the mutant descendent of the various molds and fungi, known to be extremely hardy by having survived in my kitchen, are blasted into the atmosphere. I have devoted my life to ensuring that these growths do not escape the confines of this flat.

Picture if you will a luxurious 6 inch thick carpet, over the entire world, descended from the black gunge in my sink. Or how about 200 foot wide brachia, if a few irradiated spores escape from the freezer.  Perhaps you would care to consider what a little fallout and some cross-breeding might accomplish between the green slime on the bottom of the fridge and the amorphous orange blob on the door which was almost certainly once a pint of milk.

Not a pleasant scenario, is it. Rather than risk the destruction of this planet I have come to love and call home I am issuing an ultimatum.  If I do not receive, today, incontrovertible proof that the Texans have surrendered their nuclear arsenal I shall effect a preemptive strike.  Unless my conditions are met I shall release in Texas one life form which will consume everything in its path, followed by a second to stop the first. Hopefully the first will be stopped before it gets very far beyond Texas. I do not want to destroy any civilised areas, nor any intelligent life.

The ball, Texas, is squarely in your court. Surrender your nukes and the worst that can happen is that you will be humiliated. Continue threatening to use them and I will do what the gods should have done in the beginning; make Texas a wasteland so unpleasant that not only will it be unfit for humans, even Texans won't survive.


Trust me, I'm a doctor.
Catweasel

If at first you don't succeed, try 2nd or shortstop.